Sitting With My Darkness
This is a long journey but I will just share the climax. I ended an open-relationship I had been in for a year and a half because I needed to work on my bad habits. I understood that I needed time to myself, away from guys and distractions to dig in to myself. No more sex because we as women, take on the energy of the men we sleep with. Those energies can stick in our womb space for up to 7 years! I wanted to get down to the core of my own existence and cleanse myself of toxic behaviors, patterns and people. This was hard, I had to stop texting and talking to guys, stay home and enjoy alone time. No more sex as a coping skill. No More "just having fun" and sleeping with guys who were bad for my soul. I had to learn to give love to myself and let go of toxic people. I had to learn what was fueling my unhealthy habit of attraction to the toxic masculine. I found unworthiness, fear of not being enough, abandonment and so much more. The hurt people I decided to have sex with were only a reflection of the pain I had inside. I learned that our relationships are mirrors. Then I was leaving for vacation soon. I was heading for a healing and transformation retreat in Mexico that ended up being all women. Perfect.
I was away from my friends, my ex and a guy I was kinda talking to. I had recently decided to stop having sex and distance myself from all guys while I worked on myself. This was the second time I chose to do this and I did much better this time. I wasn't perfect but I was better. Creating the distance and space from home where I created unhealthy relationship patterns and still had the energetic presence of these people close was very important. I could get back to myself, look inward without any influence from others. When we do this it's much easier to listen to our intuition and not allow their energy or presence to influence us in anyway.
In Mexico I was around 5 other women, all older than me and very different than me. I learned so much from them but also took a lot of time to myself. I often sat on the beach at night looking at where the stars meet the water, complete darkness, mystery, a black abyss. My favorite place to be, allowing the waves to cleanse my soul as the breeze off the ocean kisses my skin. The hard work I did was with authentic relating exercises, soul gazing and stepping into my power. Day one I had to learn how to be a student at a retreat and not over-step my boundaries with wanting to add to everything the host shared. I had to keep my mouth shut and fully listen. Another woman there helped point this out and said it can be overwhelming when I add in too much. So the rest of the week I had to try not to be overwhelming. When we did the authentic relating exercises, we felt into each others energy and took turns inviting each other in. Both times when I was not in control, I clenched up, was nervous and scared I'd be too much. I tried to tell myself to be calm, chill out, but this wasn't me. So the responses to that was that my energy was either nothing, just dull and confused or that I had a very intense, hot, dominating presence. I realized though when I was trying to be anything other than myself, I was not seen for my true authentic self and it was not in a good way. I was not helping anyone. We did some more exercises like this and at the end of the week we did an exercise where we each sat in the hot seat. We took turns going around and one person who be in the hot seat while others spoke their truth on how they felt that persons presence was on day one and after the exercises.
I went first, excited to learn what I needed to work on and hopefully lots of good qualities. Let me tell you, shit got real. Words such as immature, obnoxious, and overwhelming came out. That I was insecure and searching for something and still hurting. There were good qualities too but obviously my brain only remembered the bad. But I took it well at first, I was like ok, there is a balance of good and bad. That's fine, Then we went around to the other ladies and they were all mostly good qualities. It kept hitting me over and over that I had the most shit to work on and my first impression was not good. We finished the exercise and I could barely hold my tears in any longer. I ran out to the ocean and sat on the beach staring into that black abyss again and broke down. I bawled my eyes out, asking myself, Who do I think I am? How am I supposed to help any other women when I am not perfect? I have so much left to work on, heal and love about myself, how can I lead others to do that, if I have not fully? I was falling apart.
But I grew so much from that experience, I reflected, I got my journal and I dug in deep. What insecurities do I still have that are holding me back? What are my limiting beliefs of myself? Am I truly ready to be doing the work I want to do? What is holding me back from stepping into my power? How is fear, abandonment, lack of self-love all playing into this? My lack of self-love and worth influenced who I had sex with to keep the pressure off the relationship I was in. I chose bad boys to entertain me so that I did not have to focus on how serious my relationship was getting. I kept myself distracted so that I did not have to look at myself. I deflected the problems to my sexual relationships.
I also learned about my Mayan Birth Chart and Dream-spell as a Yellow Magnetic Warrior at this retreat,It explained a lot and helped me learn that I am in my challenge year. That I am learning about my shadow side and need to allow death to be a part of me. At first I was not sure how or what the lady meant when she said this. But then I realized I had to let the old me die. I had to let go of the past, the hurt, the mistrust and let this death occur inside me. I had to let who I thought I was, die. Savage Chelsey had to go, no more sleeping with bad boys and being a player about it. Wild, party-girl Chelsey had to be done. The hurt sad little girl inside of me had to grow up and be who I am meant to be, not who I thought I was. I had to change my story.
It was scary, it was hard. I messed up plenty of times but I got back up and kept going, I had to open my heart, be vulnerable, have emotions. I had to communicate my truth and stand there alone, scared and ready to be hurt more. I fell back into old habits, made some unhealthy decisions but I caught myself much faster. I realized what I was doing and chose to stop. I am my own worst critic. but I learned I need to have grace with myself. I cannot be perfect. I am going to trip and fall plenty but getting up is what matters. I am still digging in. I still have more to learn about my shadow side but I am aware now. I am growing and I am trying my hardest.
I also accepted that I am "too much". I am a lot to handle, I am wild, I am energetic. I have a lot of emotions and that's perfectly OK! I am me and I am proud. Not everyone is going to love me and that is OK with me. I will not limit myself to help someone else feel OK. I will not hide who I am because someone else cannot handle my presence. Don't get my wrong, I am not going to be an obnoxious asshole but I will not cage the wild woman within me. I have come to terms with all the sides of me, accepted myself as whole and truly love myself for it. I am un-apologetically me!!!